Sunday, July 21, 2013

It shouldn't happen to a wet

I can touch my toes easily.  I just sit on the stairs as I put on my socks (the only way I can get them on nowadays) and I can easily reach all the little piggies.

This, it appears, is not enough.  There are 11 days to go until the Great Walk across the Yorkshire Moors and Dales (110 miles, 175km) and She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed (SWMBO) is concerned that I am not fit enough.  So she institutes a programme of exercise, base on the notorious 5BX regime of the Canadian Air Force.

"We'll start with touching your toes" she says. "Feet apart, legs straight - no bending the knees! - and bend over and touch your toes, or the floor."  

She demonstrates, placing both hands on the floor.

I copy her.  Both hands end up opposite my knees, which is fine with me but not with SWMBO.  She thinks I am joking.  I think I am (a) in pain and (b) stuck.  The son walks in and sniggers.  I suggest he tries to do better and, to my delight, he can't.

"Now sit ups", says SWMBO.  I sit up.  That was easy.

"No, on the floor, Sean!"

I am wiser than to object.  I sit on the floor, with a very straight back.  Maybe she will stop scolding me.  I am unable to cross my legs but I hope that if I sit up, very straight, she may not notice.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"I am sitting up", I point out reasonably.

"Do what I do" comes the order, as she hooks her feet under the sofa/settee/divan (delete as appropriate, depending on your class) and she sits up and lies down and sits up and lies down, over and over.

I think it was Newton who said "Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world." Well I am not sure which bit is which, but as I lean back using the wobbly fulcrum of my bottom, the sofa starts to move.  As does ... well it's not really my six pack ... perhaps more like a 15 pack or so.  Still I manage one sit up before I decide the risk to the furniture is too great.

"Right, now.  Push ups."

I lie down, on my back.  Perhaps she won't notice.  I slowly raise my arms, as if with great effort.  In truth me and my 15 pack are still recovering from the sit up.  There is a big sigh, a long suffering sigh.  I know it's not me sighing.  I don't have the energy any more.

As if from a distance, I hear a stomping sound, like a herd of wildebeest galloping across the Serengeti plain.  That is SWMBO leaving.  I know I will pay for it later, but right now I just don't care.

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