Tuesday, December 30, 2014

The accident

A post from my sometime correspondent, David Burke.  Warning: somewhat gruesome ...

Working in Farnborough meant that it was easy to get home to Hook. However, before living here we were in Guildford and the journey was not so easy.

I did find a route over Ash Ranges which was very nice, in the country, just fields, rural and quiet with not too much traffic. I used it a lot to get home in the evening, it was a nice way to wind down after work. But I stopped using it after the accident.

It was a shocker really: the car was badly damaged and there was a lot of blood although I was able to clean it up afterwards. But it shook me up a lot. Put me off the route really.

There is a funny little double bend on the road where it passes under the railway. One moment you are driving parallel on one side of the line then under the bridge and you are running parallel on the  other side. After the bridge I pulled up the hill, so I wasnt travelling fast. It was a clear night, autumnal, no rain but it was dusk and it was a bit difficult to see clearly outside.

It was warm in the car and I must have been day dreaming about the boys at home because I almost didnt see the first one dash across the road in front of me. I touched the brakes and suddenly the other one was there in front of me. I hit him hard and there was a crunch and I saw the bonnet bend and rise up in front of me, then he was rolling from the impact, feet twisting in the air and I hit him again, oh no, and then he was gone.  

I pulled up quickly on the verge and ran back. He was on the road just behind the car, partly in the ditch, I bent down and saw that his eyes were open and then they closed and his body went limp.  I was shaking from shock and feeling sick but I looked around: no other cars thank goodness.  

What to do? 

Dont leave him here, take him away in the car. There was some blood on his shoulder soaking through the heavy coat. I opened the boot and started to pull him to the car. I was shaking like a leaf. He was very heavy and dead bodies are notoriously difficult to handle but I got his head  over the sill then bent down and lifted his feet over the lip and into the boot.  Then I saw the lights and heard an approaching car and slammed the boot lid shut, trying not to look too guilty.

Our house in Guildford was a semi but it had a detached garage where I could deal with the body.
My wife was horrified at what was in the boot but I got her to help me to drag the body into the garage and I set up a noose hanging from one of the beams. We lived then in an area where this sort of thing was not unknown so I got one of  my neighbour to come over to help me. We tied the noose round the body and stripped off the coat. I could then see the black bloody bruise where the bonnet had hit him. We cut his head off and started to cut him up into steaks and chops as well as the bigger cuts.

We shared the venison between us and had some wonderful meals for the rest of the year. But repair costs for the car were horrendous.

David Burke

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Carols for Politicians

God Rest

God rest Parliamentarians
Let nothing you dismay!
Despite the deep austerity
We have increased your pay.
Expenses are just history.
“Recall” has gone away.

Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy.
Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.

Jingle Bells

Dashing through your dough, in a socialistic way,
Taxing as we go, laughing all the way.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Balls on a spending binge, debt rising very high,
What fun it is to tax and tax and bleed the wealthy dry!


Mansion tax.  Borrow max.  Make the bankers pay.
Tomorrow’s kids will pay the cost, so let’s enjoy today!


Gurning Ed, looks well fed, smug and free of stress.
He’ll waste all your money then let Tories fix his mess.

White Christmas

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,
With every UKIPper I know
Where the borders tighten
Skin colour lightens
Close to the purity of snow.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
Immigrants should be put to flight
So that all your Christmases are white.


Hark! The party whips ensure
You’re politically pure.
MPs need to understand
Independent thought is banned.

Reselection pays the rent,
Forget your constituents.
Open primaries insist
Choosing from the party list.
Hark! The party whips all call,
Keeping their MPs in thrall.

Deck the Hills

Deck the hills with housing folly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Making Brandon Lewis jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Treasure not the countryside
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Keep on building far and wide
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Though the voters say “Enough!”
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Keep on building; call their bluff
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Cheerfully ignore their cries
Fa la la la la, la la la la
We’re voted out? What a surprise!
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Friday, December 05, 2014

Cooking the Books

On 18th November, Premier Foods' Chief Executive, Gavin Darby, sent a letter to its suppliers requesting they pay thousands of pounds to remain on the supplier list.  I like the idea.

Dear Mr Darby

I am aiming to work with a smaller number of strategic suppliers in the future that can better support and invest in my limited grocery budget.
I will now require you to make an investment payment to support my budget.
I understand that this approach may lead to some questions.
However, it is important that we take the right steps now to support my future expenditure on groceries.
May I suggest an initial cheque for £100 to cover the 2015 calendar year?  Without this I may not be able to continue my commitment to Oxo, Bisto and other Premier Foods brands.
I remain
Yours financially