This, it appears, is not enough. There are 11 days to go until the Great Walk across the Yorkshire Moors and Dales (110 miles, 175km) and She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed (SWMBO) is concerned that I am not fit enough. So she institutes a programme of exercise, base on the notorious 5BX regime of the Canadian Air Force.
"We'll start with touching your toes" she says. "Feet apart, legs straight - no bending the knees! - and bend over and touch your toes, or the floor."
She demonstrates, placing both hands on the floor.
I copy her. Both hands end up opposite my knees, which is fine with me but not with SWMBO. She thinks I am joking. I think I am (a) in pain and (b) stuck. The son walks in and sniggers. I suggest he tries to do better and, to my delight, he can't.
"Now sit ups", says SWMBO. I sit up. That was easy.
"No, on the floor, Sean!"
I am wiser than to object. I sit on the floor, with a very straight back. Maybe she will stop scolding me. I am unable to cross my legs but I hope that if I sit up, very straight, she may not notice.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"I am sitting up", I point out reasonably.
"Do what I do" comes the order, as she hooks her feet under the sofa/settee/divan (delete as appropriate, depending on your class) and she sits up and lies down and sits up and lies down, over and over.
I think it was Newton who said "Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum on which to place it, and I shall move the world." Well I am not sure which bit is which, but as I lean back using the wobbly fulcrum of my bottom, the sofa starts to move. As does ... well it's not really my six pack ... perhaps more like a 15 pack or so. Still I manage one sit up before I decide the risk to the furniture is too great.
"Right, now. Push ups."
I lie down, on my back. Perhaps she won't notice. I slowly raise my arms, as if with great effort. In truth me and my 15 pack are still recovering from the sit up. There is a big sigh, a long suffering sigh. I know it's not me sighing. I don't have the energy any more.
As if from a distance, I hear a stomping sound, like a herd of wildebeest galloping across the Serengeti plain. That is SWMBO leaving. I know I will pay for it later, but right now I just don't care.
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