Smooth

I am a notoriously fussy eater. I confess this, I am sorry, but that is just how I am and now having lived a good half century, I am unlikely to change.

I suspect that I must have driven my mother mad and that after having me as a fussy toddler it is a wonder that she went on and had two other children. The list of things I don’t like to eat is several times the length of those I do and includes most fruit and vegetables, almost all cheese and most jams.

Except one.

The problem is that this one jam is very hard to find.

I was reminded of this yesterday when staying at a hotel for a business conference. It was a Hilton, which is perfectly acceptable. The breakfast was none too bad, and I noticed this tray with five small jars of things you could spread on your toast or pastry, namely honey, raspberry jam, strawberry jam, peach jam and marmalade.

I loathe them all.

And yet, there is a perfectly harmless jam they could have put there. If they had, it would have been consumed by the gallon. It’s not even expensive. It’s called smooth apricot jam and the best example of it that I have come across in the UK is Hartley’s “No Bits“ apricot jam. It is the best jam in the world and the only one which delivers pure, unalloyed joy upon consuming it.

I looked around all the other tables. No-one had opened even one of their jars of jam. Well, of course not. If one considers the history of apricot jam, I can state for a fact that it led directly to the Treaty of Vienna, the Armistice ending the Great War and the overthrow of apartheid. Who can possibly think bad thoughts or do bad deeds when there is smooth apricot jam on the menu? No-one.

Looking at the world right now, it’s clear that we are going through hard times. Some people blame Gordon Brown, or President Bush, or Putin (what is he now? President? Prime Minister? Grand Panjandrum? I forget). Some blame climate change or bankers or Greenpeace.

I think we all know the truth.

Bring back smooth apricot jam and all will be well.